TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon Trump Tower Damascus has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down provider."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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